waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
