He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
