Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
