I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
