I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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