Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
