Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
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It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
there is puke in my bra ... again
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