She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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