You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He better not be in your backpack
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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