when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize