So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
