Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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