I must be too annoying 4 u.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
