I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I AM VODKA MAN
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Oh god it's open bar.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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