I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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