whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
