I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
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Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
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I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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