So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
