If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
this will be a night to untag.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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