I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
i believe in u and ur pee
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
