i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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