Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm passing your future prison.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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