i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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