someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
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4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
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I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying