it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Liz is crying about burritos again.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.