So drunk, too bad you don't want this
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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