I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
