Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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