So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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