I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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