why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
