There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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