Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
