just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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