At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i will never coherently bang her
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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