i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
