and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
