You smell like stripper and shame
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Someone signed my nipple.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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