i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
