highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
