So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
