I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
