Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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