Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
