remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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