Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
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