my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
