I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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