she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
