i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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