Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
