I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
