my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
