New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
