They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
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